S1 EP6 – Why seeking approval is holding you back: hacking the pain-pleasure balance.

Divorce, disease  disaster and death.  These are the four D’s  the events that grab us by the collar  shove us in front of the mirror  forcing us to look at ourselves  and ask the uncomfortable question  what the heck am I doing with my life?  And the question is  why do we wait for such jarring life  events to make us realize that we don’t get a do over?  I’mma tell you why.  Because we are waiting for the perfect time to make  the perfect choice so we can live the perfect life.  But this is what I call a corpse goal.  It’s a goal that you are going to hang on to  until you are dead  so where is the middle ground between  not waiting for one of the 4 d’s to wake us up  and recognizing that the perfect life choice  doesn’t exist.  It’s understanding the pain  pleasure balance.  So you can not only make a hard choice  but also be able to put your head on the pillow  at night without regrets.  If this sounds like something that  you want to learn more about  keep listening.  And welcome back to another  episode of the Self-Respect Revolution podcast  where we learn how self-respect  influences how we see ourselves  and the lives we live as leaders  executives parents  dog parents  sisters brothers  friends and anyone else that you can think of  my name is Doctor Katherine Iscoe  and once again  I’m so glad you’re here  now if you are watching this episode  you will see that I’m wearing glasses  because last night I scratched my eyeball  and I was in so much freaking pain  which is ironic  because today we are going to be talking about pain  specifically the pain about making hard choices  now let’s rewind for a second  because the past two episodes kind of  fit into what we’re gonna be talking about today  so a couple episodes ago  we were talking about self care  and understanding how through the lens of self respect  self care is not really a behavior that you choose  so it’s not like the facial and spa days  which don’t get me wrong  my skin is the most expensive thing I own  I love those things  but self care is actually a question  and the question is  what is that I need to do right  now to feel more like me  hard question  and often times when you ask that question  sometimes you don’t even wanna hear the answer  which leads me to point 2  which is a concept of being true to oneself  now this is very different from authenticity  if you’re interested to learn more about that  you can jump on back to the previous episode  but what you’ll find out  as a spoiler alert  is basically  being true to yourself is  making choices that prioritize your happiness  but that means that  you’re not always making other people happy  and that’s not easy  for all of us  and I I brought up a quote in this last  episode from my research study  which said you can do you  as opposed to pleasing other people  and that’s really what being true to yourself is  but if you are a high achieving  people pleaser  you don’t hear  those are just like blurry words  because what you hear is  when you do you  you disappoint other people  am I getting a nodding head  louder at the back  thank you very much  and this is probably why we wait for one of those 4 D’s  death divorce  disease disaster  for us to be shooken up  separate words  shooken up to shake us up  and make us realize that  if we’re not happy  no one else is gonna be happy  I know that sounds so cliche  but it’s so true  because I know that as Canadian as I try to be  I try to be a nice person  but if I’m not happy  I will bring down the world with me  I’m not a nice person  I know that  it’s so it’s about balancing  how do you make those  hard life choices that you know  in the long term  are going to support your happiness  with understanding the  discomfort that you’re going to be feeling while you’re  making those choices  so today what I wanna dive into is  how do we make  choices that make us happy  while also acknowledging that those choices  are not always going to make other people happy  and that sometimes  we might lose people in our life  that perhaps  might have meant a lot to us  but we realize  through the lens of self respect  is that it’s more important to respect ourselves  than others  so the question is  how do we make a hard choice  that we know is eventually gonna make us happy  but in the short term  we know it’s gonna be so uncomfortable  and likely it’s not gonna make the people in  our lives happy  well I believe knowledge is power  which is gosh  a lot of cliches in this episode already  but I’ll tell  I’ll tell you why  so my dad is my guiding light  he’s my best friend  and I always look to him  when I’m looking for an answer  and gosh golly  I think it was like 5  6 years ago  that you retired  after what I believe is bet  like a 400 year career  he was a prof  at Queen’s University  in the medical sciences  and I said to  you know dad  after all these  thousands of years of you working  and finally retiring  you know what is  what is one of the most important things that  you Learned  and he said Kathy  you know what  the one thing I know is  that I know nothing  and the underscore  of that is that  we can always learn more  not only about the world  but also ourselves  and I think that’s why  knowledge is knowledge  knowledge that  you know nothing  is knowledge itself  one of the things that I recognize  when it comes to this whole pain pleasure concept is  if you look at our lives  do you think we feel more pain or pleasure  the answer is pleasure  because we are addicted to feeling good all the time  we can get Uber Eats delivered  to our office or home within 10 minutes  we have Netflix  where whether you admit it or not  you will go through that whole home feed  and after 10 minutes  you will say  I know you’re  you’re gonna say without even me saying it  there’s nothing to watch  social media  online shopping okay  that is something that I don’t wanna admit  but let me tell you  online shopping  makes me feel so good  we are constantly looking for pleasure because  we in our brains  think that that is a normal resting state  but our nervous system doesn’t work that way  there’s a thing called homeostasis  and basically  what I want you to picture is like a balance  you know those  you know where the  judgment person  if you’re a lawyer  you’re gonna help me out here  but you know  the the blinded lady  a lady holding the scale  you we cannot always live in Pleasureland  it would be the equivalent of having every single  day a sunny day for the rest of your life  how would you appreciate sun  if you’ve never experienced anything else  if you never experienced like a torrential downpour  all the sudden things that used to bring us pleasure  no longer do  and so it’s no wonder that we feel so gosh  darn uncomfortable making these hard choices  because we equate the discomfort  and the pain and yuckiness that we feel as  this is not normal  but let me tell you  it is absolutely normal  it’s that thing that balances  the equation  so we need to understand that a little bit of pain  is actually really good for us  I’ll give you analogy here  you know cold baths are the hashtag  big thing nowadays and yes  there’s a lot of research and benefits around that  sorry I’m a warm shower person  because let me tell you  the screaming that you would experience  you would hear me from wherever you are in the world  I don’t like cold chairs  I like warm chairs moving on  the point being is that a lot of people as link  okay it’s the cold water  that is actually making me feel good  so if you dive into the research  you’ll see that noradrenaline  adrenaline so forth  spikes afterwards  and also a neurochemical called dopamine  it is associated with a mood boost  so in our minds  we’re thinking  okay cold bath  equals pleasure  later through dopamine  but that is not the link  it’s actually  the dopamine is released  due to the pain  so the pain that your nervous system experiences  during the cold bath  eventually makes  or catalyzes  dopamine release  so what happens is  your pain starts to come  down and then dopamine is released  for the next two and a/2 hours  depending on how cold the water is  and how long you’re in it  for two and a half hours  and can rise up to 250%  so why is this important  we need to start thinking that  we really can’t experience true pleasure  true pleasure  without including a bit of pain in our lives  so the point of this is  when it comes to choices  is that pain is  not always a signal  that we’re doing something wrong  and also pain  can be a signal that something good is going to happen  so let’s circle this  bag to making those hard life choices  and I’d like to give you an example as a context  and I’m gonna keep this very broad  because it was lovely woman  who messaged me on a social media  her first message  and I was so excited to get it  the summary is basically  she got a raise  but the underscore of this  or the preface of this is that she messaged me and said  I would never have done this before  which obviously  massive ego stroked me  she said you know  basically thank you so much  for all the information you put out there  because this is now helped me get a raise  so the context is  is that she came back from maternity to leave  to find a new manager  and this manager said that you have no room  to grow in your position  and her immediate response was  like oh well  clearly I don’t  so I’m just gonna  you know move back  and just sort of fall in line  but then she said well no  this doesn’t make sense  I’ve been there for years  I’m in a senior position  so she zhushed up her resume  put it on seek  within 24 hours  she had a whole bunch of offers  at very senior  in very senior positions  at very senior prices  she had a choice to make  she could either just fall back in line  or she could go through  push through the discomfort of going to her boss  and saying what’s up with the senior manager  this is what I’ve been told  but this is what I’m worth in the uh  I guess in the world right now  and lo and behold guess what  she gets a raise  but the interesting thing is yes  she said the old me wouldn’t have done that  but interestingly  she also said  the old me would have just continued to work hard  and eventually hope for that position to move up  now why is this important to know  no matter what you do  you’re going to experience pain  because she could have just stayed in that position  and chugged along the 9 to 5 or however much she works  and chugged and chugged and gone through daily  daily daily pain  like Groundhog Day  that’s pain  that is chronic  long term pain  or like a cold bath  she could knock on her boss’s door  go through that excruciating uncomfort and discomfort  stand up for herself and say  this is what I’m worth  throwing it back in your court  now a little challenge  if you’re unless you’re an alien on earth here  there is going to be a decision that you’ve either  either been avoiding making or  that you’re just waiting for the perfect moment  and the perfect time and the perfect situation  and the perfect conversation to get that perfect answer  it ain’t happening  what is it called  corpse goal so honey  I do not want to see you with one foot in the coffin  holding that piece of paper and saying  this was my goal  I wonder why I didn’t achieve it well honey  this is a sign  I know you can do it  you are worth it  put yourself in  the position that you’re going to feel like in one two  six 12 months  and picture yourself in that moment of saying  fuck to the yeah  I’m so glad looking back  that I made the choice to make  stay true to myself  prioritize my happiness  because even though I’m disappointed  a few people in my life  they’ve gotten over it  and now they’re watching me freaking smile ear to ear  and now that I shine  I’m helping others shine  so take this as a fateful moment  that you are going to muster up the courage  and strength and bravery  to make that hard choice  you’re gonna plan it out  you’re gonna think about the AB situation  you’re not gonna go into it blind  you’re gonna prepare for it  you’re gonna practice it  you’re gonna go in with compassion and courage  you’re gonna be open  to learning new things about yourself  but you are going to do it  so I wish you all the courage not luck  the courage for you to go  and not just aim for the moon  you’re gonna aim for the stars  that star is you  shining bright  thank you so much for being a part of this podcast  I look forward to having you and  knowing that you’re at the other end with your little  AirPods and AirPods and whatever they’re called  on the next episode  so until that time  stay fabulous