S1 EP7 – What to do when nothing seems to go your way? 3 questions to consider.

What do you do when you’ve just hit a rough patch in life that ends up denting your worth, your confidence, and your self-respect? How do you rebuild yourself practically? Now this question slid into my DMs, and I think it’s one that everyone can relate to. You know, having that stretch of time where you think you are honestly being punished karmically because nothing seems to go your way.

Now when this happens to me before I can start rebuilding, I first need to ask myself a few questions. No.1: Am I burnt out? And because of this, I’m only giving an 80% effort yet I’m still expecting a 100% result. No.2: Am I being impatient? Well… always, basically. And No. 3: Whose goals am I trying to achieve? Are they still my goals, or have I unconsciously sidestepped on a path that someone else thinks I should be on? If you’re curious to find out more and how to rebuild yourself when you feel like nothing is going your way, keep listening.

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Self Respect Revolution podcast where we look at how self-respect influences how we see ourselves and the world around us. Today we’re really talking about expectations, and as I mentioned in the intro, this question of like what do we do when nothing seems to go our way.

It’s funny because this is actually my fourth time trying to record this podcast, and the reason why is because I’m basically sitting in my living room, and outside there was a leaf blower, and every time I started this gosh darn podcast, the leaf blower was going. The first thing that I said to myself is like, why am I not like successful enough to be in a podcast studio and have this and that and the other and so forth.

It’s really interesting when I get this question of when everything is going wrong in my life, my first thought is, how hard are we being on ourselves? How hard are we pushing ourselves when maybe we actually need a break? So let’s talk about those three little reflection questions that I was bringing up in the introduction.

The first one was, are we burnt out? And if we are, can you look back at that feeling when nothing is going your way? Is perhaps one of the possible explanations is because you are burnt out, and because you’re burnt out, you cannot physiologically or psychologically give 100%, so you’re like, I’ll just do 80%. I’ll just do this email, but I’ll just send it off without strategically thinking about it. Will I send this proposal off, and is it just to get it over the line because I wanted to be on time, or is it a really good proposal that you’re proud of?

When it comes to your relationships, when it comes to your diet, when it comes to your exercise, you can ask these questions as well. Are you expecting yourself to be so much further along because you are thinking that you are giving in 100% effort, but really you’re giving it an 80% effort?

No.2: Impatience. I could make a professional career at being impatient. My mom, ever since I was knee high to grasshopper, I’m the most impatient person I know. I always want to be doing more, I always want to be achieving more. It’s like never ever fast enough. You know, when I think about all the things I want, like I want a book deal, I want a TV show, like why has Oprah not called yet?

Then I think to myself, I haven’t peeled enough potatoes. When I was young, I just wanted to be a chef. Like that was my absolute go-to dream. I remember being in kitchens, and there were gophers. You had to be a gopher, you know, you had to be in the dish pit, you had to be the person peeling the potatoes.

And I think slowing down sometimes helps us speed up. One of the things that I think has really helped me become a little bit more patient, I’m not gonna say I’m patient yet, and I don’t think I ever will be, like that is my sin, I’m gonna live with that. But one of the things that helped me be more patient in my goals, whether those are career goals, personal goals, relationship goals, is to sew. Sewing needs the most patience that I could ever imagine. The amount of things that I do wrong are way more than the things that I do right. People always ask me, oh what pattern do you use? I don’t use patterns because I actually want to do something that frustrates the living daylights out of me because it is working through that frustration.

Once you recognize it’s that frustration that’s eventually gonna give you that freedom to achieve something, it’s definitely a mind shift. So anytime I’m doing something, I feel this sense of impatience. I asked myself, have I peeled enough potatoes? You know, have I really gone through that frustration of trying to figure things out and really perfecting my craft to become a master of something before I can step up to the next level. This is very helpful to me when the going seems to be going nowhere, where everything seems to be going the wrong way. Asking myself, have I put in the hard yards, and am I just expecting this to be easy, and get out of like peeling those potatoes. And the last one is, whose goals are we trying to achieve here? Are they really truly our goals, or has over time people got in your ear and they’re saying, “Maybe you should do this,” “Maybe you should do that.” And Lord knows, I’m a professional listener to other people’s opinions, and that’s probably why it’s taking me so long to get to where I really wanna be, where I just feel like me. And I think sometimes we need to listen to the silent or the quiet voices inside our head, rather than the loud voice of others. They’re so convincing.

Interestingly, there was a study done in 2019, and it was in the European Journal of Social Psychology. It was called “Choosing Goals that Express the True Self: A Novel Mechanism of the Effect of Self-Control on Goal Attainment.” The take on it really was that those that were true to themselves and true to their own goals and set their own goals were more likely to achieve them because they were able to distinguish authentic goals versus socially imposed ones.

When I think about New Year’s Eve resolutions, it’s a self-respect revolution. New Year’s resolutions, thank you. I got there eventually. I really think that is a socially imposed goal, and I believe it’s the people that wake up on an August 23rd morning and say, “You know what? I’ve actually hit the point of my life where I’m gonna do this for myself, even if I’m in an echo chamber and no one else knows that I’m doing this goal. I wanna do this for myself.” That person will have a significantly higher chance in probability of achieving that goal versus someone that’s following the crowd.

So getting back to that whole concept of are we in that sticky, yucky point of our life where nothing is going our way, we can’t seem to achieve what we’re trying to achieve. Am I doing this to appease someone else? Am I doing this goal to make someone happy, or am I actually doing it for myself? This is really hard because sometimes we think our goals are stupid, and then we fall into the trap of, “These goals are stupid. Let me listen to someone else’s thoughts about my goals, and I’m just gonna do what they say.” And it’s a trap. Yes, there are some great ideas and great advice out there, but sometimes when we get pulled in that direction, we forget that we are the masters of our own domain. We have the power to actually direct our life in the way that we wanna go.

And it does not go perfectly, and I’m so glad it’s not going perfectly because I wouldn’t be talking to you today if I had this hunky-dory, you know, white Christmas life. I don’t. I just made that up, but you know, I mean, like this perfect life, I wouldn’t have any stories to tell, I wouldn’t have any bumps and bruises, and yes, it’s absolutely crappy when you’re in that point of your life where nothing seems to go your way. So if you’re in it right now and if you’re in that moment where you feel like the clouds will never go away, perhaps remember this quote: “This too shall pass,” and it will pass, just like after a horrible breakup. You think it’s never ever going to get easier. It does get easier. It takes a lot of time, but the one thing I wanna leave you with is this quote I think is more important to remind yourself when times are really good. The reason why is because when everything is going our way, that you may end up in the situation that you’re in now, that time where you think nothing is gonna go your way. It’s almost like mentally preparing yourself. It’s almost like doing a pre-mortem. You know, they talk about post-mortem when you think, “Okay, what went wrong?” It’s almost like doing a pre-mortem when you know your life is gonna get into this quagmire of uncomfortable, yucky emotions.

And so when you hit it, you’re like, “I know this. I prepared for this. I understand. You know what I need to do. I need to ask those questions of, am I burnt out and I’m just not giving 100% effort but expecting 100% result? Am I impatient? Can I truly say that I’m following my own goals?” You can actually prepare yourself to ask those questions so you can rebuild yourself, and yes, the rebuilding might be slow, like every single renovation on earth right now, and that sometimes how the rebuilding process goes. It just doesn’t go as fast as we want. But I really hope that if you’re in this yucky period of your life, the quote that always gets me back up again is, “The most successful people in this world aren’t any smarter than us. They don’t work harder than us. They just don’t give up. Don’t give up. Push through that quagmire of discomfort. And as always, stay fabulous.”