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If you’re a ‘knowledge is power’ kinda person who loves finding ways to better understand yourself, you’re gonna love today’s newsletter. Read on my curious cat, read on.
Self-respect – isn’t it just the same as self-confidence and self-esteem? And if there is a difference, why should we care?
#1 First, let me explain why self-respect is related but different to confidence, self-esteem and self-worth.
#2 Second, let’s explore how to build it.
What is self-respect?
In it’s simplist form, self-respect is knowing you’re important.
Now especially for those high-achieving people pleasers out there, to be crystal clear, it is NOT thinking you are the most important – or that you are better than anyone.
Self-respect is having the deep understanding that when you’re sitting next to Michelle Obama at a dinner party (as you do), you don’t BS yourself with fake mantras and inflated confidence.
It’s sayin’ it like it is: sure, you may not be as knowledgeable or as accomplished as she is, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be there and/or can’t contribute to the conversation.
Because you’re you, and Michelle is Michelle. (Both fabulous, by the way).
What’s the difference between confidence, self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect?
Here’s how to think about it – picture a house.
Confidence is your ability to sell your house – specifically, your willingness to try. Sometimes it’s easier than others. For example, when the market is tough, you’ll need to pull up your boot straps and talk yourself into it, vs when the market is favourable – you can ‘give it a go’ without much thought.
Self-esteem is how much you like your house, but… we don’t live in a vacuum. Your self-esteem can be (highly) influenced by the outside world.
For example if you overhear someone saying “what an amazing house!” you’ll feel good about it – i.e. higher self-esteem.
But if you overhear someone saying “yikes, someone has no taste” – you’ll feel a bit of a wobble.
Self-worth is how much you value your house. Again, this can be influenced by the outside world with changing markets, supply demand etc.
Self-respect is the foundation of your house. So even though a hurricane tears it down (as life does to us sometimes), your foundation is always there to have your back.
Best of all, no matter what happens, your foundation is YOURS to rebuild upon. No one can take that from you (unless you let them).
3 ways to build (and protect) your self-respect
Based on my research, the most important thing to know about building (and protecting) your self-respect is that it’s something that gets easier overtime with the more knock downs you overcome.
Here are the 3 top pillars (practices) of building healthier levels of self-respect:
For example if you overhear someone saying “what an amazing house!” you’ll feel good about it – i.e. higher self-esteem.
But if you overhear someone saying “yikes, someone has no taste” – you’ll feel a bit of a wobble.
Self-worth is how much you value your house. Again, this can be influenced by the outside world with changing markets, supply demand etc.
Self-respect is the foundation of your house. So even though a hurricane tears it down (as life does to us sometimes), your foundation is always there to have your back.
Best of all, no matter what happens, your foundation is YOURS to rebuild upon. No one can take that from you (unless you let them).
#1 – Self-acceptance
Let me ask you this – if you were to say “I think I’m fabulous” – what’s the first thought that crosses your mind? A positive thought? Or a vomit-like feeling of arrogance and conceit?
The problem with the concept of self-acceptance is it makes broad, sweeping assumptions of what self-acceptance means to a person.
For some, self-acceptance means the unconditional acceptance of all of your qualities and quirks – the good, bad and ugly.
But for others, like for high-achievers, self-acceptance takes on a very different concept – because acceptance means ‘that’s it’ – and that’s a very scary thought to someone who thrives on always finding ways to get to higher levels of being and doing.
In my latest keynote dive deep into the concept of self-acceptance as it is such a key concept to the liberating feeling of self-pride, but here’s something to chew on: what does self-acceptance mean and look like to you?
For example, back to Michelle O’bama – let’s say you’re having a chat and you say something that makes you immediately facepalm – what does self-acceptance look like for you in that situation?
#2 – Self-care
Ok, before you stop reading please for the love of god just give me a chance.
I know, I know – self-care the most overused term on the history of the planet especially after two years of C-19.
And while I admit to being the greatest lover of facials and spa days, that’s not self-care (at least IMO).
Self-care, in short, is taking care of business.
It’s getting to the bottom of why you feel pissed off, lonely, freaky deeky, whatever it is – and asking the question ‘what is it that I need right now to feel more like me?’
And let me give you the tip – the answer is far from easy. It might mean having that hard conversation with a friend that is pushing your buttons, or asking for a raise rather than you going over the pitch in your head at 2am in the morning for weeks on end.
It means knowing that you are IMPORTANT – but also knowing it’s up to you to make the first move so you live a life of significance and meaning.
#3 – Self-authorship
What is self-authorship? Here’s a way to think of it.
You and a friend are going out for dinner. Your friend says “let’s go to Burgers’R’Us and smash their super-sized full meal then go out for deep fried ice cream”.
But, you’ve been eating out all week and really want to make a choice that you feel good about. One that doesn’t leave you bloated and hungover for the next three days.
Self-authorship is saying “that sounds really delicious but that doesn’t work for me, here’s why…”
Self-authorship is not about making it all about you. It’s simply asking the question “an option has been presented to me, let me think about it”.
It’s about making choices that are good for you and your future, rather than pleasing and appeasing others.
Which one hits home for you?
I know you are wanting to tackle all these at once, but here’s a suggestion: when you were reading through the three points, which one made your stomach flip? Focus on that one, young grasshopper.
But, if you can see how exploring these three categories would really kick up the excitement at your next event with my keynote, I’d love to hear from you! Drop me a line at [email protected] anytime.