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*If you’re just tuning in, I’d encourage you to jump back to the beginning of this story, which you can find here in writing, and here in audio.
Please note this article discusses disordered eating and suicidal ideation. Take care when reading.
Short on time? I’ve got you!
Let me read you the article instead! ⬇️
Quick recap
“What the heck am I going to do now?” was on repeat in my mind. I had just finished my MSc and unsuccessfully tried my hand at corporate life becoming the personal assistant to the director of a timeshare real estate company. I say unsuccessfully because I spent most of my time secretly bingeing from my desk drawer.
I hated it - so I reverted back to what I knew - academia. I applied to get a scholarship for my doctorate at two universities and ended up winning one from The University of Western Australia, (Perth, WA). It fully covered my international fees, my health care along with a fortnightly stipend. I was saved!
I was 29yo and began to masterfully create a plan to get the life I wanted:
Stick to the perfect diet,
so I could have the perfect body,
to get the perfect guy,
and live the perfect life.
What could go wrong?
The Art of BSing Your Way Through Life
It was July 2008 and arrived in beautiful Perth, Western Australia. I had just turned 30.
I stayed with a friend of a friend until I could find an apartment. Everyone was so nice and welcoming! No wonder why Canucks love Aussies so much.
I cycled to and from my department at the university, which was no short distance, and was eating well (who knew papaya could be that good?)
Well, I should say I thought I was eating well but the reality is that meant I was eating as little as possible. But this meant I was burning calories like they were going out of style.
My plan was working!
For...
about 2 weeks.
Soon enough, Mr Hyde had crept back into my life and I was back to my old habits and daily routine:
- Be perfect during the day
- On the way home from school, buy my ‘no’ foods - cookies, ice cream, etc.
- Binge to the point of excruciating pain (although that often didn’t stop me).
- Sleep (or at least try to).
- Wake up - and torture myself with exercise.
- Rinse, repeat.
This was the sequel to that Hollywood movie:
“Smart girl now goes to foreign University away from home”.
I was a great actress in that Hollywood movie: I had perfected the art of bullshitting my way through life.
I often describe how I sometimes escape to a little, sterilised white padded room inside my head and allow myself to be… imperfect.
This is where I take off my mask and give a double-middle finger to inspirational mantras and scream and yell and tell people who think positively to FK OFF! Leave me be! I want to be negative!
The problem was, I was spending a little bit too much time in that white padded room.
So, I started seeing a therapist - we’ll call him Greg. He was 6’4, bald and had never worked with a person battling an eating disorder before, but we clicked. I respected him because he was a no BS kind of guy - what you see is what you get. Years later during my post-grad in counselling I found out why - Carl Rogers, known as the Godfather of clinical psychology refers to this as congruence - when who you truly are as a person is reflected by how you interact with the world around you - in this situation, me - Greg’s patient.
The irony is, looking back, the reason why I respected him so much is because this congruence was what I was really searching for: being that ‘what you see is what you get’ kind of gal.
The problem was, the question of ‘will who I really am ever be good enough for the world around me?’ blocked this growth.
In one session I remember him saying
“Kat, one day you’re going to be able to eat a piece of cheesecake without feeling guilty”.
I looked at him point blank and replied:
“I don’t know what you’re smoking but I want some. That will NEVER happen”.
And perhaps you can relate to this feeling - there is someone in your life who is that what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of person, and they are trying their best to guide you, without pushing you.
They try to help you see that one day - you will achieve that thing you’re working on. Or you will achieve your health goals. Or things will be different.
But there is this block, this impending doom voice in your head that says:
“Who do you think you are? Good things will NEVER, EVER happen to someone like you”.
And that was me.
I couldn’t see the future. Any future.
And then, I graduated.
PhD? You’ll never be free.
I didn’t think things could get worse - until I got this whoopsie doo degree that is seen as so fancy shmancy - my PhD. You would think I would be happy!
Yet there I was, stuck in my routine, locked in my room bingeing while everyone else was getting ready and excited for the graduation ceremony.
You see, I never went to any of my graduation ceremonies. I had no feeling nor connection towards my degree. Whoever that person that achieved those scholarships, wrote those publications, got those A+s - that wasn’t me. Because there was always the next step beyond that achievement that I hadn’t achieved yet.
That sense of - ‘sure I got x done, but until I accomplish y, what’s the big deal?’
So, I did what I did best: stuffed my face, numb to any feelings while on my computer searching the internet.
I was searching:
“How to suicide”
There was no future. What’s the point?
You know the crazy thing? The thing that I was MOST worried about in that moment wasn’t the act itself, but rather that there was some underground dark web organisation who was monitoring what I was searching, and somehow, I would be exposed.
“Oh look at her - so pathetic - look at this self-entitled princess who has this amazing life and she’s throwing it all away. Who does she think she is?”.
THAT’S what I was worried about.
And then, my friends showed up and dragged me to the ceremony.
Perhaps at this point you’re thinking “Ooh, ooh! I know what’s coming up next! This is the Hollywood ending! Yay!”
- Girl goes to graduation!
- Girl sees the error of her ways!
- Girl realises she deserves the achievement!
- Girl turns life around!
Nope.
Because shortly thereafter, everything crashed.
To find out what happens, tune in next week for Part 3 of this 3 part series.
Big hugs and lots of love until then.
Dr K x
