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Ever feel like you're stuck in a tug-of-war between who you "should" be and who you "could" be? Same here my twin. Same here.
3 Reasons to Read This Article
- Understand your inner battle between "shoulds" and "coulds". Spoiler: It’s not as dramatic as a Yellowstone gunfight, but it’s close.
- Take the first step to stop “should-ing” all over yourself and living life to other people’s expectations.
- Learn a few nuggets for living a life that actually excites you. No lasso required (unless you want one).
Short on time? I’ve got you!
Let me read you the article instead! ⬇️
My Yellowstone Addiction
I am OBSESSED with all things Yellowstone.
When season 5 ended - it felt as though my world collapsed. Ok that’s a bit dramatic, but it left me wanting more.
And then I discovered there were prequels! So I’m now midway through 1883 - a series filled with the ever-so brilliant writing of Taylor Sheridan. (If ever a TV series is based on my life I want him to write it!)
The series follows the Dutton family's journey westward across the American frontier. Set in 1883, it chronicles their ‘am-I-going-to-live-today? journey as they travel from Texas to Montana in search of a better life, facing bandits, snakes and tornadoes.
The series features the talented Isabel May in the role of Elsa Dutton, the young protagonist. In one memorable scene, Elsa holds a Texas horned lizard, and in a sotto voce moment, she reflects:
"Every living thing is armed with thorns and horns and fangs, as the land wages war on itself, seeking the answer... I knew that war. The war between what you should become and what you could become. I looked at this place and saw my unfinished soul. I looked at this place and knew that, for me, that war was over. I know what I am now. I'm a cowboy."
Ooof. You know when a line just summarises life as we know it?
The Internal Tug-of-War
We often find ourselves in a silent struggle between who we should be and who we could be, or at least I know I did for a long time (and still do to a degree).
Especially early on in my speaking career I was the master of ‘shoulds’.
- I should speak like a PhD.
- I should speak about science (because heck, that’s what my three degrees were on).
- I should talk about what I think the audience wants me to talk about.
Do you know how many times I created a new keynote that ‘fit’ with each audience rather than speaking from the heart? Too many to count.
This clash between "should" and "could" is a universal experience. The "should" represents societal expectations—what family, friends, and culture dictate as appropriate.
But shoulds are not just societal - they’re also guesses.
- Here’s what I THINK other people want me to do.
- I should act this way because I THINK they want me to act this way.
But guesses are not facts, they’re subjective, biased opinions.
And on the other side - the "coulds" are deeply personal. The "coulds" reflect who we might become if we let go of external pressures and gave ourselves permission to dream.
At its core - this internal tug-of-war keeps us questioning:
Am I living the life I want, or the one others expect of me?
The Power of “Could”
Living a life dictated by "shoulds" takes a toll (just ask my therapist).
“Should-ing” leads to anxiety, resentment, and… in my case, suppressed apoplectic rage (which is a very difficult thing to deal with as a people-pleasing Canadian).
“Should-ing” leads us to believe that we must sacrifice our needs and desires for the approval of others, leaving little room for joy, self-expression and being your weird and wacky self.
On the other hand, pursuing "could" doesn’t erase all of life’s challenges, but it does shift how we face them.
While "should" limits, "could" liberates.
It invites us to imagine possibilities, explore passions, and chart our own paths.
"Could" asks:
- What excites me?
- What would I pursue if fear didn’t hold me back?
- How can I live a life true to my values?
Choosing "could" over "should" isn’t about abandoning adult responsibilities (although now-and-again, doing so does sound inviting), it’s about balancing practicality with purpose.
Really what it comes down to is having the self-respect to know that you don't need to ask permission to prioritise your dreams.
Have a thinksy exercises:
#1 Write Your “Shoulds”
List the “shoulds” guiding your decisions and reflect on where they came from and whether they still serve you.
#2 Create a “Could” Vision
Imagine your life if you pursued your “coulds.” What does success look like? How would it feel like to be you living that way?
#3 Take Small Risks
Choose one “could” to act on this week. It doesn’t have to be monumental—small steps build momentum.
#4 Ask, “Who Am I Doing This For?”
When faced with a decision, consider whether it aligns with your values or is driven by a need to meet others’ expectations.
Concluding thoughts:
Choosing "could" over "should" is not always obvious, and it’s rarely easy. But even if we let go of a few "shoulds" now and again, with that comes greater self-respect and fulfillment. It’s about making room for the possibilities, daring to explore what excites us, and not being bound by external expectations.
Every time we choose "could," we inch closer to becoming the person we are meant to be, not the person others expect us to be—one small choice at a time.
Dr K xoxo
