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Do you have superhuman confidence when rehearsing your argument in the shower, yet when it comes time to speak up, you clam up tighter than a wedgie in a windstorm? Read on fellow mild spice, read on.
3 Reasons to Read This Article
- Learn how arrogance shows up in different forms (because it's not always obvious as it seems.)
- Learn how to spot the fine line between self-respect and arrogance (before you cross it.)
- Discover how to be confident without coming off as a jerk–spoiler: it's possible!
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Short on time? I’ve got you!
Let me read you the article instead! ⬇️
Introduction: How do you deal with a narcissist?
After delivering a keynote an audience member asked “How do you deal with a narcissist?”
“It’s simple," I said.
“You don’t”.
While this is slightly tongue and cheek, at its core, at least in my opinion, it’s sound advice. Trying to rationalise with a narcissist is about as beneficial as rationalising with a hungry, tired toddler on a 21 hour direct flight: you’re not going to win that argument.
But as much as we dread the thought of dealing with a narcissist, there’s something even scarier for many of us high-achieving people-pleasers: the dreaded thought of becoming one.
Are we full of ourselves if we stand up for ourselves?
For many of us, standing up for ourselves feels like we’re teetering on the edge of arrogance—of crossing that fine line between self-respect and selfishness. So how do you know where the line is?
Arrogance is not an all-or-nothing trait, nor is it simply about an exaggerated sense of one’s own worth. In fact, arrogance exists on a spectrum, where at one end lies self-respect and at the other, unchecked superiority.
To navigate this spectrum, it’s important to understand the different levels of arrogance, because it’s not always clear when standing up for yourself transitions into self-centeredness. Understanding the historical and psychological roots of arrogance can help us better distinguish between healthy self-respect and harmful hubris.
Historical Roots of Arrogance
Arrogance isn't something new—it’s been around for centuries, woven into ancient stories and teachings. Take King Xerxes from Greek mythology, for example. In the story told by Aeschylus in Persians, Xerxes was so sure of his power that he underestimated the Greeks, which led to the downfall of his mighty fleet. This type of overconfidence, known as hubris, has long been a classic example of arrogance that ends in disaster.
In ancient Greece, hubris wasn’t just about feeling superior—it was about elevating oneself by shaming others, often for no reason other than the pleasure of it (Bollaert & Petit, 2010). In this way, arrogance wasn’t just about pride—it was a social tool of domination, designed to assert superiority at the expense of others.
In short, arrogance, in this sense, isn't merely about thinking you're better—it's about acting on that belief in ways that diminish those around you.
Arrogance as a Cognitive and Social Phenomenon
Arrogance is widely disliked, but surprisingly, it's not studied much in psychology. Research on it is spread out across different areas, from how we think to how we interact with others, which makes it hard to define clearly. What we do know is that arrogance often comes from a mix of thinking too highly of ourselves and wanting to feel superior to others.
Understanding where arrogance starts is key to distinguishing healthy self-respect from toxic arrogance. For leaders and high-achievers, it's about finding the balance. Often, we overestimate ourselves not because we want to deceive others, but because we don’t fully recognise our limitations. Arrogance usually starts as overconfidence, which, in moderation, can actually be helpful—it can give us the courage to take on challenges and perform at our best.
Three Types of Arrogance: Where’s the Line?
According to Picone et al., 2014, arrogance can be classified into three distinct types: individual arrogance, comparative arrogance, and antagonistic arrogance.
Understanding these types is key to recognising where we may be crossing the line.
Individual Arrogance (levels 1, 2 & 3)
This is the most common type of arrogance, where people believe in their abilities but often fail to see their limitations. It’s a result of overconfidence, which can be harmless if kept in check but can lead to mistakes if not.
Another key component here is imperfect knowledge and abilities—everyone has areas where they lack expertise, but overestimating what you know can create problems.
Another subcomponent is the misunderstanding of one’s own limits. We all carry this flaw to some degree, but when it’s unchecked, it can evolve into more harmful arrogance.
Comparative Arrogance (levels 4 & 5)
This is where things become socially toxic. Instead of simply believing in your own worth, you start ranking yourself above others. You see yourself as superior, and fail to recognise the value others bring.
Another subcomponent here is failing to take the perspectives of others into account. This lack of empathy and awareness can lead to unconscious comparisons, pushing you to constantly evaluate your worth against others while disregarding their unique contributions. This behavior not only fosters a sense of superiority in you, but it can also cause insecurity and resentment in those around you.
Antagonistic Arrogance (level 6)
This is the most destructive form, where arrogance becomes toxic. You don’t just think you’re better—you actively put others down to maintain your sense of superiority. The key subcomponent here is ridicule or belittlement of others, where you dismiss or degrade others to make yourself feel elevated. This is the type of arrogance linked to narcissism, where the person feels the need to assert their dominance at the expense of others, leading to hurt feelings, resentment, and damaged relationships.
Navigating the Fine Line Between Self-Respect and Arrogance
So, how do we keep our self-respect from veering into arrogance? We need to recognise that arrogance is not just about self-perception—it’s about how we treat others.
Standing up for yourself is important, and doing so in a way that doesn’t belittle others or diminish their worth is what makes the difference between showing the world you know your worth, and being a jerk.
In short: true self-respect allows you to assert your worth without needing to elevate yourself above others.
Still in doubt? Here’s a little test - which side of the fence feels more like ‘you’?
Concluding thoughts:
Understanding these different types of arrogance helps us stay aware of how we come across to others. It's all about finding that balance—asserting your worth without putting others down.
Because just remember: true self-respect doesn’t need to stomp on anyone else to stand tall.
Respect yourself, don't stand in your way,
For a life of purpose and progress each day.
Hold your head high, stay proud and true,
And you'll find strength in all you do.
DrK
