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Ever feel like you’re holding your tongue just to keep the peace? Welcome, fellow conflict avoider.
3 Reasons to Read This Article
- The High Cost of Silence: Because silence isn’t golden—it’s just awkward and leaves you stewing in regret.
- Why People-Pleasers Struggle to Speak Up: To help people-pleasers finally speak up without feeling like they need to apologize for simply existing.
- Breaking the Cycle of Silence: Because staying quiet won’t stop the gossip, but speaking up might actually make you feel a little less crazy.
Short on time? I’ve got you!
Let me read you the article instead! ⬇️
The Grouchy Grass-hogging Lady
Morning walkies with my pups (aka kids) Eszie and Eddie are pretty much a non-negotiable in my life.
But a few mornings ago our walk turned out to be… well… interesting.
My kids are the kind of dogs that (if I let them) will smell every single blade of grass. This, therefore, makes the term ‘walkies’ a bit redundant.
But sometimes, there is a spot that is SO enticing that it’s impossible to pull them away.
We were about 2/3rds through our walk and BAM! Their heels dug in so hard it almost thought they were stuck in concrete.
It was a very specific spot at the end of an apartment's driveway. The spot was on the street side, not the house side, meaning - this was on public (i.e. crown), not private land. For your undeniable viewing pleasure, I have re-constructed the incident. (Follow me for more crime sketch techniques).
So there we were - my grass-addicted dogs getting high likely off on another dog’s wee and me being a typical dog-obsessed mom - letting them get away with it.
But I felt like someone was watching me…
I turned around and there was an older woman who had stopped before going into her garage (she was putting her garbage bins away) to STARE at us.
No smiles, no nothing - a look of pure venom. Perhaps she thought I was going to allow my dogs to do their number twosies and not pick it up. Fair enough.
But man-o-man. What a look!
I figured I’ll give the pups a little bit longer and then we’ll continue our walk.
Before leaving I thought, I wonder if she’s still watching me, and indeed she was - venom still oozing from her locked eyes.
For those people pleasers reading - I think you’ll agree - this situation brings up the panic levels to Defcon 2:
CONFLICT IS LIKELY.
Choices, choices
At THIS moment I thought to myself I have one of two options, both resulting in regret hangover.
- Choice 1: Say nothing and walk away. Spend the next 8 hours thinking about all the smart things I could have said.
- Choice 2: Say something that I will later regret. Proceed to spend the next 8 hours thinking about all the smart things I could have said instead.
- Choice 3: more on that later.
Which brings up a good ‘step-back-and-think’ question:
How many times have you had a great idea you want to share, or you want to tell someone what you REALLY think of a situation (or them!), but you stay silent, only to later replay the situation in your mind over and over and over again, imagining smart things you coulda, shoulda, woulda said?
I’ve been there hundreds of times and gosh golly, do I ever know how it feels! And what I’ve learned is there are 3 reasons why we stay silent.
The 3 Reasons We Don’t Speak Up
1. Keep-the-Peace Mindset
I did a series of interviews with people who identify as a high-achieving people-pleaser. When I asked them “how long have you been like this?” every one of them “since forever”.
For us people pleasers we worry, "What if they get angry? What if they don’t like me anymore?" As a result, we suppress our discomfort for the comfort of others, EVEN though we have every right to express ourselves.
2. Mistake Mindset
We hold back because we’re afraid of being judged if we say something stupid or that our argument has no merit. This often happens when we overanalyse the situation. "What’s the best way to phrase this? Will they understand what I mean? Am I overreacting?" This mental tug-of-war leads to decision paralysis. By the time we’ve gathered the courage (or words), the moment has passed, leaving us to stew in regret.
3. Mean Girls
We worry about what people say about us AFTER we speak up. We have nightmares about our so-called ‘friends’ gathering around the water cooler, nodding in agreement “What a b!tch” ending the secret meeting with “The tribe has spoken”.
We hesitate to speak up because our fear is being seen as aggressive, arrogant, or harsh. For high-achieving people-pleasers, this fear stems from our need to be liked while maintaining a ‘cool under pressure’ vibe. The thought of being labeled as “too much” or “hard to work with” is more unbearable than realising you had a huge black chin hair on a first date.
Cost vs Benefit Analysis
The cost of not speaking up can be high. Not necessarily in my grass-sniffing dogs situation, but in life in general.
Staying silent not only robs you of the opportunity to release the strain and tension caused by holding your tongue. But every time you stay silent, you plant a little seed of self-doubt inside your brain that only grows stronger each time.
So the question remains, when’s a good time to start speaking up for a people-pleaser?
Think of a situation where you’d either like to speak up, or feel like you need to speak up - which quadrant does it live in?
The Meh Zone
(Low Emotional Cost, Low Benefit of Speaking Up)
- Asking a barista to remake your coffee if they got your order slightly wrong.
- Benefit: You get what you ordered, but it’s not a huge deal.
- Correcting someone’s minor factual mistake in casual conversation.
- Benefit: Accuracy, but it doesn’t change much.
- Making small talk with a stranger in an elevator.
- Benefit: Light social connection, but no major impact.
- Commenting on a colleague’s new haircut or outfit.
- Benefit: Strengthens rapport slightly but isn’t game-changing.
- Asking a waiter for extra napkins at a restaurant.
- Benefit: Slight convenience, minimal emotional effort.
- Reminding someone to mute themselves on a Zoom call when there’s background noise.
- Benefit: Improves the meeting experience, but it’s not a major issue.
- Casually mentioning a minor office policy that someone overlooked.
- Benefit: Keeps things running smoothly, but no big consequences.
Question: Have you ever found yourself speaking up in low-risk situations that you know have no benefit? If so, why do you think that is?
The Brain Drain Zone
(High Emotional Cost, Low Benefit of Speaking Up)
- Telling a stranger in public they’re being rude (e.g., cutting in line).
- Benefit: Justice, but it could escalate unnecessarily.
- Correcting a senior leader in a meeting over a minor mistake.
- Benefit: Accuracy, but the risk outweighs the reward.
- Criticizing a coworker’s project when it’s already approved and finalized.
- Benefit: Almost none—too late to change things but could cause tension.
- Telling a distant acquaintance their joke was offensive.
- Benefit: Upholds values, but it might not lead to change and could cause friction.
- Debating a controversial topic at a family gathering where minds won’t change.
- Benefit: Feels principled, but it likely just leads to conflict.
- Calling out a small rule-breaking in a social setting (e.g., someone using their phone in a 'no phones' zone).
- Benefit: Enforcement of the rule, but may cause unnecessary conflict.
- Confronting a friend over a one-time small slight (e.g., they didn’t text back quickly).
- Benefit: Minor acknowledgment, but it could seem overly sensitive.
Question: What goes through your mind when you’re unsure if speaking up is worth it?
The Go For It Zone
(Low Emotional Cost, High Benefit of Speaking Up)
- Asking for clarification during a team meeting to ensure everyone understands the task.
- Benefit: Improves group productivity and clarity without much emotional risk.
- Offering a small but impactful suggestion in a brainstorming session.
- Benefit: The idea gets recognized, and you contribute positively without much emotional effort.
- Complimenting a coworker on a job well done.
- Benefit: Strengthens relationships and boosts morale.
- Sharing a quick win during a casual team chat or check-in.
- Benefit: Increases your visibility without feeling vulnerable.
- Speaking up to prevent a minor mistake (e.g., “I think you may have skipped a step in the process”).
- Benefit: Avoids unnecessary errors, and it’s unlikely to cause conflict.
Question: When is it easiest for you to speak up, and how does it feel when you do?
The Big Stakes Zone
(High Emotional Cost, High Benefit of Speaking Up)
- Negotiating a raise or promotion with your manager.
- Benefit: Potential career advancement and financial reward.
- Calling out problematic behavior (e.g., addressing bias or inappropriate comments).
- Benefit: Creates a healthier workplace, but it’s emotionally taxing.
- Giving constructive feedback to a boss or higher-up.
- Benefit: Improves team dynamics or project outcomes, but speaking "upward" can feel daunting.
- Telling a close friend or partner about a long-standing issue in the relationship.
- Benefit: Resolves tension and strengthens the relationship, but it’s emotionally vulnerable.
- Sharing an innovative but risky idea in a high-stakes meeting with executives.
- Benefit: Could lead to significant recognition or organizational improvements but feels intimidating.
- Advocating for yourself or a colleague in a situation of unfair treatment.
- Benefit: Upholds integrity and fairness, but the emotional effort can be immense.
Question: What’s the hardest part about speaking up in high-stakes situations?
The First Step (and choice #3)
Speaking up isn’t always easy. But every time you resist the urge to stay silent, you're training your brain to confront your fears. It may feel more awkward than running on ice, but every time you challenge yourself, your fear diminishes and your self-respect grows.
One of my favourite stories to tell in my motivational keynotes is about taking risks.
Side note - you can check out that story on my website at www.drkatherine.com/videos - it’s called Chris Hemsworth and The Silver Fox. You can also listen to how it influenced one of the audience members - Tina Ambrose - in her testimonial video here.
Imagine what it would feel like to no longer second-guess yourself, to stop replaying the situation in your mind, to break free from the hold of self-doubt. That’s the power of choosing action over avoidance.
So my choice?
I simply said
“Can I help you with something?”
For me, that was a good balance.
(If you’re wondering how she responded? She didn’t respond - just shook her head and walked away).
You’ve got a voice—use it. Your perspective matters. Start by speaking up in those low-stakes moments without losing who you are. The more you do, the easier it becomes to handle the big stuff.
Remember, it’s not about being perfect or always having the right answer. It’s about showing up for yourself and having the courage to express your thoughts. That’s how you get what you want out of life—and it’s how you build the respect you deserve.
