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Let me read you the article instead! ⬇️
It was 1938 in former communist Czechoslovakia and my great grandmother stood at the door of her apartment facing two men pointing loaded weapons at her and her 12 year old daughter.
The two men were part of a paramilitary organisation called The Hlinka Guard.
The Hlinka Guard was not formally part of Hitler's army, but it was closely aligned with Nazi Germany and played a significant role in supporting Nazi policies during World War II.
At the time Slovakia had become a state of Nazi Germany after entering the Munich Agreement in September of 1938. This agreement was in hopes of appeasing Hitler to prevent a war when in fact it did the opposite.
As a result, the Hlinka Guard became an important tool to enforce anti-Semitic laws and worked alongside the Nazis to raid the homes of Slovak Jews and deport them to Nazi concentration camps.
The reason I bring up this history is that my great-grandmother was one of those Jews.
She had heard about these things called “the raids” so she wasn’t really surprised when these two guards showed up at her door.
Her daughter (my grandmother) fainted.
Choices are never simple
So there you are your child is on the floor and you can’t go to them and can’t say anything because you’re living in a world where people are silenced. You’re living in a world where people are told that they’re not important. That their voice doesn’t matter.
But you also know the next choice you make will decide you and your family’s fate.
So on the one hand she had a (quote unquote) "easier choice" with a more predictable result: be led by the guards and board a train to a likely death.
Or, the harder choice: Somehow overcome her paralysing fear and make the choice to lead the situation. A choice to speak up, stand up and fight for her life.
What would you choose?
Would you lead? Or be led?
Now I must tell you, my great grandmother was a tiny woman, 5 foot nothing on her good days. But as small as she was, her mind had immense power.
Despite her tiny nature and the stark reality of her situation, she took the two men to her balcony and said this:
“You can throw us off or you can shoot us right here, but we’re not going with you.”
The men left, and as the story goes, with their tails between their legs (I must admit she scared the crap out of me too).
My great-grandmother eventually escaped with both of her children, leaving all her wealth and fortune behind, eventually arriving on the shores of New York City.
As an immigrant who barely spoke the language, she had to rebuild the wealth that she was forced to surrender.
Sliding door moments
My great-grandmother, Elizabeth Fisnar, is the reason why I’m alive today because in that sliding door moment, she chose to lead, and not be led.
I’m very aware that this is an extreme example, but I think we can learn a lot from her actions, and her intent.
Every day presents us with sliding door moments, where we must choose between leading with courage and integrity or being led by our fears.
This is hard enough on its own, even for experienced and confident leaders!
But what if you’ve been raised for years if not decades to think of others before yourself?
What if you've been taught that your choices must always consider the needs and wants of others first?
What if you are a…
[gasp]...
people pleaser?
Navigating the Grey
This adds a whole lotta layers (and therapy) to this question because:
- Speaking up could likely result in conflict (which us people pleasers do E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. to avoid).
- Standing up for yourself could result in people talking about you behind your back.
- Staying true to your beliefs could be taken as arrogant and self-serving.
We don't realise that these are actually normal, healthy, self-respecting actions because we’ve likely always been this way, just like fish don’t know they’re swimming in water. This way of thinking is engrained deep into our souls.
The imagined criticism in our heads is far more daunting than any real consequence and even if there are repercussions, our minds exaggerate the potential backlash.
In reality, 99% of the catastrophes in our heads never materialise.
This is why when we try to 'be more confident' we feel like it's coming across as arrogant.
And when we prioritise ourselves, we feel like we're being selfish.
We are professional black and white thinkers - there’s either being mother Teresa, or being Satan.
No in between.
This black-and-white thinking traps us in a cycle of self-doubt, where every decisive action risks being misconstrued as overstepping or self-serving. Yet, without breaking free from this mindset, we can't truly lead.
The People-Pleaser's Dilemma: Friend or Leader?
Let me give you a few examples of a people-pleasing leader's mind in action.
If you're up for the challenge - ask yourself - what would I do?
(Oh, and remember to answer honestly - you're doing this for you, not to prove yourself).
Situation 1: The Team Meeting
You’re in a team meeting where a proposed project plan is clearly flawed and likely to fail. Your colleagues are enthusiastic about it, and you’re the only one who sees the looming future disaster.
Do you:
a) Speak up and present your concerns.
b) Speak up and present your concerns, risking potential conflict, disapproval and being tarred and feathered?
c) Stay silent to avoid rocking the boat and maintain harmony, and spend every waking hour perfecting what you will eventually say to them (yet never do).
Situation 2: The Performance Review
Your boss asks for feedback on their leadership style. You’ve noticed several areas where their approach could be improved, but you’re concerned about how they might react to this feedback.
Do you:
a) Provide honest, constructive feedback.
b) Provide honest, constructive feedback, risking having those super duper awkward hallway greetings.
c) Hold back your true thoughts and give a praise sandwich without the filling instead “You’re amazing, honestly! I have no other feedback”.
Situation 3: The Failed Promise
An experienced person has offered to mentor you. They said to contact them (within reason) whenever you needed feedback if you got really stuck. But, when you reach out for guidance, they either don’t respond promptly or give vague and unhelpful advice.
Do you:
a) Contact the mentor and respectfully express your need for more consistent feedback.
b) Contact the mentor and respectfully express your need for more consistent feedback, even though this will likely be highly uncomfortable. You compensate by adding 18 smiley emojis at the end of the email. You immediately make an appointment with your therapist.
c) Never contact them again while telling yourself, “It’s clearly because they don’t like me,” and resign yourself to the lack of support.
Firstly, if you’ve answered ‘(a)’ for each question, who are you and what supplements do you take?
But for those who are likely still reading at this point (i.e. my fellow people-pleasers vs normal healthy adults), would you agree that we often suppress our discomfort for the comfort of others?
The problem with that is when we keep the peace with others, we magnify the tension in our brains and we get caught in a glass case of emotion.
We never consider that there might just be middle ground - it’s either we suck it up or we risk what we fear the most: being disliked.
But what are the chances that people won't like us if we speak up and hold our ground (yellow box above)?
Bubkis.
Nada.
Nothing.
The actual problem
And herein lies the problem:
It's not them, it's us.
More specifically - our imagination.
Think about it:
- What we fear isn’t what others may think of us (because they are not thinking of us).
- What we truly fear, if you really think about it objectively, is the imagined criticism that we ourselves create in our head.
Yes, we. And not the royal we.
The Perils of Imagined Criticism: Fear vs. Reality
If you have young children you’ll see this. I used to be afraid of sharks in a swimming pool. Ok, I still have that fear (no really, I do) but the point is - my parents would say to me - it’s all in your head.
Yet as adults, why can we not see that what we fear is only in our heads?
And boy-oh-boy does this ever take control of our ability to be effective leaders.
- Constantly Seeking Approval - you hesitate to make decisions because you might not get their approval.
- Avoiding Conflict at All Costs - you avoid making tough calls to keep everyone happy.
- Overloading Your Plate - you take on tasks that you should delegate because you don’t want to be known as bossy.
- Being Indecisive - you struggle to make decisions if it might result in one person getting the short end of the stick.
- Feeling Resentful - you often feel frustrated at others because you feel you give more than you receive, yet you never want to receive any help.
Where to-ith from here: Practical Steps to Break Free
So what have we learned so far?
- People-pleasers tend to exaggerate the potential backlash of speaking up or asserting themselves, leading to inaction and missed opportunities.
- In reality, most of these fears never materialise, and the true cost is the lost potential for leadership and growth.
- By recognising the difference between real and imagined outcomes, we can start to lead not perfectly, but at least more effectively.
So here are three only kinda scary tweaks that you can make to your daily routine to help let go of those imagined fears and be less of a people pleaser leader.
3 Tips to Become a Little Bit Less of a People-Pleasing Leader
1. No more ‘justs’
Do you start emails with “I’m just checking in to see…” Have you ever asked yourself - why do I use the word just? Why don’t I say “I’m checking in to see”.
It’s a little word with a lot of weight - we use it to soften our language and appear less bullish and intrusive. It makes our request seem less ‘demanding’.
All these are positives, but the downside is that using the word ‘just’ undermines the importance of what we’re asking and discredits our authority.
Action: Try removing the word ‘just’ from your communications.
2. Pickled onion anyone?
My partner eats conflict for dessert while I run from it faster than Usain Bolt.
As a result, I hold in my frustrations because I catastrophise (aka imagine) what will happen if I do actually speak up. This is NOT good for relationships - especially professional relationships (who we often spend more time with than our personal relationships!).
So - here’s what we do. We have a safe word:
pickled onion.
Whenever I need to speak up about something, I say ‘Can we have a pickled onion chat?’.
Immediately he knows that at that moment, I am freaking out while picturing our relationship apocalypse - and therefore he allows me a little bit of wiggle room while I find my words.
Action: Choose a safe word (it doesn't have to be sandwich related) and give it a go with the least scary person you know.
3. Small requests
Lastly, think about ‘life stuff’ where you can ask for something small (even though it feels significant). For example, if you’ve ordered food and it comes cold - respectfully ask for a fresh dish. If you’re at the deli and you want your meat shaved rather than sliced, ask.
Action: Order food. Send food back. Enjoy food.
Concluding thoughts: Less people-pleasing, more Leadership
(If you’re a ‘normal’ person and you're still reading, I commend you. But I'll also acknowledge that you might be thinking - WTF are you talking about?
Why not just speak up when you need to? Ask for what you want?
But herein lies the crazy imagination of a people pleaser - we think us putting ourselves first and asking for what we really want is a bad thing.
So if you are a 'normal' person leading a people-pleaser, hopefully you have a little insight for why they think and act the way they do.
But regardless of your level of people-pleasing, at the end of the day, the choice is ours: to stand firm in our values and act with purpose, or to let the fear of disapproval and the comfort of compliance guide us.
My great-grandmother’s bravery reminds us that true leadership often requires stepping beyond our comfort zones and leading with conviction.
