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Tired of tiptoeing around everyone else’s feelings while yours gets trampled? Keep reading my fellow empath-people-pleaser-conflict-avoider.
3 Reasons to Read This Article
- Ever feel like you need a day off from your day off? Yep, me too—here’s why.
- Why a little bit of selfishness might actually be the sanity boost you need in 2025.
- Seven small but powerful shifts to stop screwing yourself over (and no, it's not working harder.)
Short on time? I’ve got you!
Let me read you the article instead! ⬇️
Who am I?
“You don’t seem like yourself” - a friend said. “You’re not as smiley as usual. Maybe go speak to someone?”
Oh did I ever understand exactly what she meant - so me and my self-protecting ego, exuding every ounce of reluctance, booked in to see a therapist.
Eventually, the day arrived. Whilst en route to her office I mumbled over and over again ‘what the heck am I going to talk about’? Yet soon after the pleasantries had been exhausted, I couldn’t stop the verbal diarrhoea coming out of my mouth, complaining about all the things that I ‘should’ have accomplished by then.
“You’re burnt out," the therapist says.
My self-protecting ego nearly responded “I teach how to maintain a healthy mindset - there is NO way I’m burnout”.
“You’re going to need to take some time off”.
“How much time off?”
“At least a month…”
I negotiated my way down to taking the rest of the afternoon off.
The realisation
Within 5 minutes of getting home, I succumbed to the harsh truth: something wasn’t quite right. But it didn’t feel like burnout - it felt like something else.
I wasn’t tired, but I was irritable.
I didn’t lack confidence, but I certainly wasn’t my outgoing self.
And even when in the past when I did take a day off, I would just end up thinking “I need another day off from my day off because something still feels ‘off’”. (That’s a lot of offs).
So, I put myself through a free-writing exercise. I grabbed an old-fashioned piece of paper and a pen then settled on a catalysing question to spark my writing.
I chose: “How does it feel to be me right now?”
Now, if you’ve never heard of free writing - it’s writing without judgement or self-protection. You don’t scratch anything out - you just open up a tap and let everything come out.
And what came out was the most satanic and vile cursewords and language I had ever seen or heard.
To cut a longer story short, I realised I was angry. I was angry because I spent so much time chasing respect from others, that I forgot the most important goal of all: respecting myself.
Healthy Selfishness
"I am not who you think I am;
I am not who I think I am;
I am who I think you think I am"
Quote by Charles Horton Cooley
From that moment onwards (especially as a born and bred people pleaser), I decided to care more about the opinion that I had of myself rather than the opinion I THOUGHT other people had of me.
But there was only one scary way I could accomplish that: being a little bit more selfish - and here’s why:
Fast forward to today through three years of stumbles, falls, disappointments and a some painful realisations, I can say it really boils down to one simple but life-changing lesson:
Being selfish isn’t always unhealthy, but rather a secret weapon for sanity.
So here are seven ways that I challenge you to be a little bit more selfish in 2025, so you can stop screwing yourself over and achieve more, faster.
Seven Ways to be a Little More Selfish
1. Take more risks:
Whether it’s sending an email to ‘that important person that will ‘never’ write you back’ or pitching that insane idea that you’ve had in the back of your mind for the past seven years, remember that the WIN isn’t when things go exactly as planned, but rather, we WIN as soon as we respect ourselves enough to take the risk.
2. Embrace Your Worth:
I won’t sugarcoat it - there are hundreds (if not thousands) of people that are smarter, richer, prettier, ‘whatever’ than both you and I. You can either spend your days on the side lines watching them do all the things you want to do, OR, you can remind yourself that you have a special gift that only YOU can give the world. Your choice.
3. Selfishness Isn’t a Sin:
You want to laze on the couch while someone else makes dinner? Cool. But there is no point of doing it if you're going to spend the entire time feeling guilty. Putting yourself first isn’t a sin - you haven’t killed a nun. So the next time you don’t want to do something, say so without making up some excuse that nobody believes anyways.
4. Pleasing Everyone Pleases No One:
I spent years in school, specifically in the biomedical sciences. Truthfully I stuck to it that long because it was a very respected field. Heck, I was considered a ‘woman in STEM’. I was asked to sit on panels and inspire the next generation of female scientists. The reality is, what I really wanted to do is be on stage (wearing amazing heels, of course) telling relatable stories that help people feel less alone. So, that’s what I do - and I’m very happy about it.
5. Excelling in Life Doesn’t Require Perfection:
I was a pastry chef in my former life. I was 18 years old and ‘novice’ doesn’t even begin to explain my fumblings. From making a batch of 1000s of biscottis with no sugar (which I only discovered after I baked them, sliced, baked them again and stored them), to putting a hot dish on an untempered glass shelf (you can guess what happened next), mistakes could have been my middle name. But those mistakes shaped me, they didn’t make me. So please remember: just because you make a mistake doesn’t mean you ARE a mistake.
6. Care About Inner Pride, Not External Praise:
I was just about to fall asleep when I had an idea for a new opening of my keynote. It was OUT there, to say the least. I turned on the light, excited to share my idea with my partner who was half asleep playing Bejewelled. I explained the idea like it was going to be the next Nobel prize, to which he responded “I don’t get it, you need to show it to me”. I now do that opening - and every time, people clap and cheer. The point is - relying on someone to say “wow, that’s a great idea” before you think to yourself “yes, that is a good idea” is not only going to waste a lot of your time, but is going to suck out every last ounce of creativity in you. Sure there are times and reasons for feedback to support an idea going forward or not, but we also need to remember that ‘group’ thinking doesn’t always lead to ‘great’ thinking.
7. Take the Help, Achieve More, Faster:
My first big conference was in Washington DC. It was a sunny day, so I decided to walk there even though it wasn’t close. Andddd… I got lost - very lost. I came upon an intersection and saw two cop cars parked parallel to each other. One of the cops looked at me - and with his index finger, motioned for me to come to him. I didn’t want to admit I was lost - I felt really, really stupid. He ended up helping me get to my conference in a way I never thought I would experience (you’ll have to attend one of my keynotes to find out how). There is a big difference between “I want to figure this out” with “I’m lost, and have no idea what I need to do, and I’d rather quit than ask for help”. Know the difference.
Final thoughts
If you want to achieve more, get ahead, and actually feel good doing it, you’ve got to stop apologising for being human. So, in 2025, let’s drop the mask and be a little bit more proud of who we are, one healthy selfish step at a time.
