Still not married? Read this to boost your confidence.
Until about a year before I met my current partner, the only reason I went out (socially) was to find “the one”. I was a woman possessed. I was so lonely and lacking confidence I would just grasp on to anyone that would give me a flicker of attention.
'I’m 40 and still not married.'
My self-esteem was dependent on my relationship status.
When I would go out and socialise, I would never enjoy the experience, because I was only focusing on getting a guy, not on having fun. The night would either end in a positive (yea, I got attention!) or disappointment (not one damn guy looked at me). I became a horrible friend – because I was all about myself and my needs.
I was the ‘hard work’ friend.
About a year before I started dating my partner, a friend of mine had had enough with my complaints such as ‘I always meet the wrong guys!’ and ‘I have such bad luck!’. He said to me, point blank: “you do realise you’re the common denominator in all these relationships, right?”. It made me take a hard look at myself, and my (many) failed relationships.
And there it was.
It was like I was hit by Miley Cyrus’ wrecking ball right in the guts.
I wish I could say this experience catalysed a mental breakthrough, but I’d be lying:
it was a mental breakdown.
I was forced to look at myself without filtering my emotions, without pushing the blame on someone or something else. The process was more painful than getting IPL hair removal on your anus (and yes, I’ve done that – and no, don’t do it).
I had been in therapy previously but knew that I need a $hitload more. So that’s what I did. It was a LOT of hard work and I wanted to quite more than once.
That’s why I truly believe my partner is a gift for all the hard work I put into myself.
What does this have to do with confidence?
Well here’s the difference: being with him was the first time that I ever wanted to be with someone, rather than feeling I have to be with someone for my self-esteem and confidence.
Now, to all of you out there thinking “are you seriously telling me that the reason I’m single is that there is something wrong with me? WTF?!”. If so, please know this: I’m not saying that at all.
What I am saying is I get it. TOTALLY get it.
That horrible feeling where you think something is wrong with you.
But listen up and consider this: there is nothing wrong with you.
All I’m saying is that maybe, just maybe, you just need more time to grow your relationship with yourself before you share it with someone else.
Written only with love and kindness,